on college

I’ve tried to maintain my blog as being conceptual, but this personal post of mine practically wrote itself.

I’l try and keep the cliches to a minimum—by that I mean no “open letters,” no “dears” or “odes,” and especially no “highlight” reels (if it lasts more than ten minutes, I hate to say it, but it’s for sure not a highlight reel, it’s just a reel). Sorry to those I’ve already offended.

Freshman year is crucial. Even the word itself speaks volumes to its importance. Even though it’s not very gender neutral (“freshhuman”…who’s with me?), it sure does the job. Fresh, according to my good pals Merriam and Webster, means not previously known. Boy, does that describe it well. I had no idea what to even expect from a school year away from home, and as it turns out, I had never previously known what it would be like. But, subliminally, I knew exactly what it would be like. And, humbly bragging, that’s why I absolutely slayed my freshman year of college. I mean I just couldn’t have done anything any better. I never struggled, I never questioned anything, and I sure as heck never cried even once. This is why I’m here—to tell you how to do it. You literally couldn’t do it better than I did it. You’re welcome.

First thing’s first, registering for classes — schedule all your toughest classes for the same semester. They might say to you, “Maggie,” or they might not because your name is not Maggie. But they might say to you, “You can’t possibly read 2,684 pages in just one semester!” And you’ll say back to them, “I know!” And, “But watch me try really hard!” This is what I did. So be like me. Take three really hard, really involved classes simultaneously. Spreading stuff out over the four years you have is for wimps, I promise. Try it even first semester; easing in, shmeasing in! Making friends can wait. Take hard classes!

Second thing’s second, dining halls — I maybe stepped into a dining once this semester. Snelling? That’s not a word, much less a place. I never went there. Psh. Take advantage of really expensive restaurants on the outskirts of campus. You know, the ones that people with full-time jobs go to. People will try and convince you to go to one of those cheap, open-all-night places that sells corndogs as a side item. Take it from me, these places are for uncultured freshman fifteeners (okay, half of this is true). Don’t be seen there. Or with a $2.99 milkshake of any kind.

Third thing’s third, roommates — room with someone the exact opposite of you. I mean the literal antithesis, arch nemesis type. No soul mates allowed here, folks. This way, there’s no chance of a relationship to develop. There’s no growth, no pillow talk, no “sweet dream”s, no vent sessions (I mean just keep it bottled up like a normal human???), no movie nights, no sweet mirror notes, no unpaid help with homework, no ordering cookies at 2 am, and especially no hugs or shoulders to cry on. We don’t cry, anyway. This makes move out day a breeze. No tears will be shed, no feelings will be involved because what kind of sick-o enjoys feeling things? And I’m also fairly certain talking to your roommate is the dining hall’s way to lure you in. Don’t fall for the large university trickery.

There you have it. The three most important things to remember for your freshman year. If you keep these things up habitually for the first couple of weeks, despite the temptations to eat the food your parents have already paid for and to talk to the person you live with, freshman year will be absolutely baller.

And also remember: your RA is there to get you in trouble and introducing yourself to your professor is pointless!

Over & out.

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