(one mild critique) on the human condition

Here it is. My first post on my very own blog. I’ve been waiting for this day to come for a while now. I was hoping that between then and now, a stroke of beautiful brilliance would have rushed through me, resulting in an inspirational yet humble, feel-good yet moving first blog post. Unfortunately, what came instead (per usual, by the way) was two different, seemingly everyday occurrences that made me wonder how humans (myself not excluded) could be so idiotic. Brace yourself. If you take offense to (somewhat) humorous criticism of stuff that every single human does, I would suggest you stop reading and partake in some serious self-analysis. Sucker.

The first event starts with El Nino (aka the strangest weather phenomenon to exist). In the South and West United States, weird weather stuff is happening. It’s 70 degrees and raining cats and dogs where I live outside of Atlanta. And when I say “raining cats and dogs,” I mean I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Dorothy, Toto, Auntie M, and the freakin’ Wicked Witch of the West flew by my house in a tornado, and the Ruby Red slippers flung and broke a hole in my window. And it’s December 28th. Driving in this torrential downpour was easily the scariest experience of my short-lived driving career. Hands down (actually, more like hands up in my rendition of Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel”). I digress. I was driving, bumpin’ to CD three in my six-CD changer (The Neighbourhood’s latest LP, “Wiped Out!” So dang good. Here’s a link: https://play.spotify.com/album/18iFxjZugvKhuNNMbLjZJF) when flying past me went two cars, easily driving ten miles over the speed limit, the second car riding the first’s bumper. Granted, on any other day, I would have been driving twenty over the 45 mph limit, but I was driving ten under in this night’s hazardous conditions. This made me think: “I don’t understand the purpose of following too closely in normal weather, but seriously, WHAT is the purpose of riding that person’s bumper in the worst storm Atlanta has seen in a long time?! Is getting home five minutes faster that important to you? Is risking your life and totaling your car really a chance you are willing to take for a quicker travel time or satisfying your need for speed?” After noticing this reckless behavior, more of the same kind became apparent to me: I counted at least three cars without lights on, numerous occasions of changing lanes without leaving much room, and texting while driving. Are. You. Kidding me. I’m here clutching the wheel white-knuckled, and you fools are driving distractedly? I mean seriously. What purpose does that serve? Your recklessness is putting your life (not to mention everyone else’s lives) in serious danger. Seriously shaking my head. (On a funnier note: there were at least three lazy, carpool moms with Christmas reindeer antlers on their cars, the felt decorations getting absolutely drenched. I mean, I guess that’s what they get it being three days after Christmas. C’mon people.)

The second event happened a few days prior to this event, before I saw my life flash before my eyes in a flash flood. First, something you should know about me is that I love me some Chipotle. Bowl. White, no beans. Steak. Pico. Lettuce and two vinaigrettes. Mmm. But, due to recent news of more than 50 sickened Chipotle customers in nine different states, all claiming similar symptoms, I should really be holding my breath while even driving by my favorite Tex-Mex chain. But, alas, there I sat, an empty bowl  in front of me and techno Tex-Mex (my name for the Chipotle-invented genre of music) surrounding me. And that’s not all: it was 2:28 pm, and the restaurant was packed. First of all, who eats lunch at 2:30, and second of all, why aren’t any of you afraid of E. coli?! It saddens me to realize that I am not the only one who has thrown caution to the wind, risking days over the toilet for some fatty steak and some sticky rice. But it tastes SO DANG GOOD.

What do these two events have in common? These two events on two different days made me realize that people (including myself) are really good at sucking with selfish intent sometimes. We cut people off in traffic because we consider ourselves and our schedules more important, and we eat gluttonously and foolishly to please our stomachs despite a danger that involves the Center for Disease Control. Yikes. This makes me question the fate of humanity to be quite honest. We are stubborn, close-minded, pardon-my-french buttholes. What has the world come to when the survival of mankind relies on the few and the keen of mind? What will it take for people to notice that we might have a few things wrong? I’m staying tuned because I have no idea how this one will play out.

But what can I say? I’ll eat Chipotle till the day I die. And then they’ll serve it at my funeral.